How to tell a crappy salesman

Today I’m talking about voice mails. I’ve encountered many companies like mine who don’t give out names or contact information from the front desk, so I’m assuming you have encountered them too. I’m extremely lucky in that I have a specially tailored voice mail box to dump–er, I mean connect these callers into to leave their vitally important sales pitch in, and provide them with vital information about bidding to our company.  It goes a little something like this:

 

“…You may leave a message here for any member of COMPANY’s executive team. Additionally, you may leave information in this voice mail box for any office at COMPANY for which you do not have a current contact name. Please specify your service or commodity, and the reason for your call.”

 

So, how to tell the dorks? They state their name and their phone number, and request a call back. The dumbest ones say things like “I’d like to hear back from you TODAY.” (Seriously.) But don’t state why they’re calling. As if the president of the company is going to return a blind call from someone who sounds like a prison call center marketer because he says I want to hear from you today.

 

How to tell they are REALLY just garbage callers? Still saying nothing about the actual reason for their call (because there really is nothing valid to say) they repeat their  phone number. As if we couldn’t just replay the message to get it. DUH!

 

Anyone who repeats their name or phone number twice in a voicemail message is a total dork.

Uh hi (chew) I just got a missed call (chew) from this number

Or, “How to look grossly unprofessional before a job interview.”

The following is a tidbit of advice for anyone who possesses a mobile phone. So in effect: EVERYONE!

DO NOT call back every missed call you get on your damned device!!!!! As a Pious Phone girl, I can tell you, it’s completely annoying. “Uh, hi. I just got a missed call from this number.” Or, the English-is-not-my-first-language response: “You call me?”

First of all, you have to identify yourself FOR ME TO KNOW IF I CALLED YOU. Should be obvious, but no. So often, it is not.

But probably more important: If you’ve applying for positions, don’t just call back any missed call on your phone. Listen to your voicemail so you don’t sound like a total idiot calling back the company (with gum in your mouth) that just tried to reach you for an interview. Feeling slightly more Pious today than most days, I just let the Rocket Scientist who pulled the aforementioned blunder with me flounder. If she doesn’t check her voicemail, oh well. The position we’re currently hiring for is a high-paying, complex service position that needs an efficient, diligent professional who pays attention to detail. Obviously she’s not one of them.

In addition to being totally annoying.

Oh. My. God.

Okay this has nothing to do with the professional work environment, but it’s another huge peeve with me:  irresponsible parents with rotten children.  Restaurants are not play areas. Keep your little monsters seated and quiet. Airports are not play areas. Grocery stores are not play areas. Only play areas are play areas.

This morning I got a complete flabbergasting care of the Associated Press. These stupid poeple actually left their child in a cab.  How farking stupid and IRRESPONSIBLE can you be?

By BOB SALSBERG, Associated Press Writer Bob Salsberg, Associated Press Writer – Tue Jul 28, 4:40 pm ET

BOSTON – A family picked up by a taxi at the airport left a sleeping 5-year-old child behind in the back of the minivan — and the cabbie almost took the blame for it.

“They paid me, thank you very much, everything was nice, and I left,” Joseph Cohen, a taxi driver for 39 years said.

Minutes later, Cohen got a call from the cab pool at the airport. State police, who have jurisdiction over Logan, were looking for him.

He was told the family left a child in his cab.

“I said, ‘What?’ So I looked in the back and I see the baby sleeping. I said, ‘What should I do?’ So you know, I take the baby (back) to the family,” he said. “The father came out. He was very happy.”

He even gave him a $50 tip.

The following day, Cohen was ordered to report to the Hackney unit, where police told him his license was being suspended for three days because he didn’t do a thorough check of the van. He appealed the suspension and was allowed to keep his license pending a hearing. On Tuesday, he visited the police station with an attorney and learned he would only get a warning.

The cabbies’ union expressed outrage at the proposed suspension, saying the fault should lie with the child’s family, not the driver.

“I think the sad piece here is that the police are not recognizing the responsibility of the adults,” said Donna Blythe-Shaw, a staff representative for the United Steelworkers Boston Taxi Drivers Association, “and are now saying this driver also has to be responsible for passengers who forget their children…” 

SAY WHAT??????? 

You’ve got to be sh*tting me.

Bad First Impressions. Don’t Make Them.

You’d think this would be simple. Advice I don’t need to give.

Again, I ask you: Is it the lackadaisical slovenliness of today’s spoiled “it’s all about me” youth? The brattiness of our recent generation of, “what do you mean I’m not perfect” and “spanking will harm his mental growth” offspring?

And again, I remind you that I wear two hats at this company, and I am the contact who deals with all issues company photocopier. So just because I’m sitting here at the front desk watching you be a jerk doesn’t mean it’s not going to have repercussions. And even if your commodity it isn’t my responsibility, be enough of an ass and I’m going to share it with the person whose it is. It will be my pleasure to share your assiness.

So back to the subject of todays flabbergasting of Pious Phone Girl: I sit here stunned as a copier salesman from Caltronics –yes, that’s me naming names– pull his car up ass-crooked across TWO of the three handicapped spots directly in front of our doors (and gigantic glass windows) leave his door standing wide open with rock music pouring out, and attempt to make a cold call.

I ask you, is this a good first impression?

He further makes himself look like an ass by explaining to me, as I’m standing in the door that I had to open for him because we have since locked our doors (you must have an appointment to set foot in here, folks) that he is in the neighborhood because of his account down the street at I’ve-already-forgotten the company name. Honestly, I don’t give a heaping pile of doody who your other customers are. I’m not impressed.

And he walks in with nothing: no brochure, no card, no pricing info. Nada. Has to dig like a goober to find a business card.

My only regret in chucking his business card STRAIGHT into the trash is for the tree that gave up its beauty to print the sucker.

The Warranty On Your Vehicle is About To Expire

Are you like me? Does it annoy the -shit- out of you to pick up your phone and hear some snotty voice berating you with this warning?

Yes? Then GOOD NEWS! Announced today, May 14, 2009 :

FTC Files Suit to Stop Illegal Robocalls Pushing Vehicle “Warranty” Extensions

Companies Charged With Making Hundreds of Millions of Deceptive Calls to Consumers

The Federal Trade Commission is asking a federal court to shut down a telemarketing campaign that has been bombarding U.S. consumers with hundreds of millions of allegedly deceptive “robocalls” in an effort to sell them vehicle service contracts under the guise that they are extensions of original vehicle warranties.

In two related complaints filed in federal court, the Commission took action against both the promoter of the phony extended auto warranties, as well as the telemarketing company that it hired to carry out its illegal, deceptive campaign. In its complaints, the agency contends that the companies are operating a massive telemarketing scheme that uses random, pre-recorded phone calls to deceive consumers into thinking that their vehicle’s warranty is about to expire. Consumers who respond to the robocalls are pressured to purchase extended service contracts for their vehicles, which the telemarketers falsely portray as an extension of the manufacturer’s original warranty.

“This is one of the most aggressive telemarketing schemes the FTC has ever encountered,” said FTC Chairman Jon Leibowitz. “I’m not sure which is worse, the abusive telemarketing tactics of these companies, or the way they try to deceive people once they get them on the phone. Either way, we intend to shut them down.”

http://www2.ftc.gov/opa/2009/05/robocalls.shtm

Additionally, I read somewhere the FTC is outlawing all recorded sales pitches on September 1, 2009, but I cannot find the information now. If anyone knows, please comment.

You can further protect yourself by submitting your phone numbers to the National Do Not Call Registry.

The National Do Not Call Registry is open for business, putting consumers in charge of the telemarketing calls they get at home. The Federal government created the national registry to make it easier and more efficient for you to stop getting telemarketing calls you don’t want. You can register online at WWW.DONOTCALL.GOV or call toll-free, 1-888-382-1222 (TTY 1-866-290-4236), from the number you wish to register. Registration is free.

Alas, you must be calling FROM the phone for which number you wish to register. Not a problem for most, but Pious Phone Girl receives forwarded calls from the company’s old phone number, and therefore cannot get it removed.  😦

Would You Like Boogers With That?

My office was all atwitter after a customer meeting this morning.

 

First, a bit of back story; our sales manager is a loud-mouthed, arrogant, self-righteous, pot-bellied relic from the good ‘ole days who thinks women should be breast feeding, not running multi-million dollar production contracts.

 

Now, what happened in the meeting: For confidentiality I’ll call my Director of Operations Madame X and my Director of Sales Mister Dickwad.

 

The two are sitting in an important customer meeting with the sales lead and the Director of Manufacturing. The customer asks, “If you have the parts I don’t understand why the unit will be late.”

 

Madame X opens her mouth to explain. Mr. Dickwad cuts her off, holding up a fat-fingered hand. “I can answer that.”  

 

Madame X smiled nicely, not taking the obvious bait to challenge him and look petty in front of the customer.

 

Mr. Dickwad further baits her by stopping mid sentence, throwing her a pointed look, and asking, “Is there any coffee?”

 

Madame X: “There’s a pot on the buffett behind you.”

Mr. Dickwad: “Pour me a cup, will you?” He pauses. “With two sugars.”

 

Madame X, ever dignified and professional, smiles sweetly, and gets up to pour him a cup of coffee, asking the customer if he would like one as well. Said irritated customer declines and presses Mr. Dickwad to continue. Happily sipping on his triumphant cup of coffee, Mr. Dickwad blusters through a lengthily explanation.

 

Fast forward an hour:

 Madame X stalks past my office wearing a murderous look. I jump up from my desk and slip into my supply closet, and press my ear against the wall.

 

Office door closes just on the side of loudly, slightly rattling the wall.

Madame X. “Let me make one thing perfectly clear. I am your colleague, not your coffee girl. The next time you ask me to get coffee for you, it will be served the way it was served to you this morning.”

 

I hear a squeak from the chair as Mr. Dickwad leans back in what I know is his amused and slightly mocking act. “Yeah, how’s that?”

Madame X: “With a booger in it.”

 

I tell ya, I can’t wait until we have a woman in the White House.

Irksome E-mail

I’m writing today to share a peeve. 

Every company has one. That otherwise friendly, good-natured, hard-working lad or lass that responds to EVERY email with a “Thanks.” One word. No matter how simple or magnificent the task or comment you offered them.

What does your in-box look like? What does your daily schedule look like? Are you insanely busy? Are you like me, now doing the job of three people because two others got laid off? Does your inbox stretch off the screen, causing you to scroll?

Would you prefer that issue, task, or conversation end with the last pertinent fact? Or do you want to have to open yet another email? “Thanks.”

I try to get my point across subtly and gently by adding a last response of my own. “You’re welcome.”

I appreciate your appreciation, really, but I’m busy enough. Stop the one word email.

Don’t be snotty to the Receptionist

Others will hear about it. Probably the person you’d least want to hear about it: your contact at the company.

Of course I’m talking about vendors, because as everyone knows, customers have the right to get as snotty as they want. But that’s another story.

No, today I’m blogging to you about “Lori,” who walked in to my lobby and pressed the question three times, “Well, is there someone in your procurement department I can speak to,” despite the fact I told her “We don’t give out names. If you’d like to intruduce your company, we ask that you provide information about your services first.”

“Well I’ve already done that. I emailed through your website,” (which she didn’t, because I’m not making this up about our company, folks. We’re privately held. We don’t give out names, and we certainly don’t list our employees’ emails on our website.)

As she hands me her business card, I advise “Lori” that she should submit bid information. I know things are tough out there right now, but honestly, dropping a business card on the front desk is not going to get you a call back.

“Well I’ve already done that and nobody has called me back.  That’s why I got in my car and drove here all the way from (where rude sales women come from) Who can I follow up with?”

Now, all along, despite her repeated fishing for a name, I’m trying to be polite and let her know that I can’t give 0ut the name, and if the appropriate person has no need for her commodity, she might not get a call back. I’m thinking to myself, I don’t really give a shit how far you drove, and that’s your fault for being stupid. Why would you drive here if you don’t have an appointment?Regardless, don’t stand there and make it sound like it’s our fault you had to go through all this trouble, and we should apologize to you or at least just do what you want and get someone out here to listen to your crappy bid.

“Well I’ve submitted my information and nobody has called me back. (Get a clue!) That’s really inconsiderate. The least someone could do is give me the courtesy of a reply.”

At this point, I go silent and stare. Anyone who reads the news and knows the unemployment rate is up higher than it’s been in five years and the economy sucks toilet bowl water should know that pickins are slim and one person now does the job of two or three.  Our employees are so busy they can’t see straight, and she wants the-courtesy-of- a-reply.

So sorry, I want to go home before midnight.

Lesson 1: Introducing yourself

Don’t make introductory cold calls on your cell phone.

Why? Because unless you spent good money on your earpiece, and maybe even if you did, you sound like you’re calling from the Black Forest in a thunderstorm while driving through a tunnel.

I understand most young sales people are soooo busy, on the road all the time and need their Starbuck’s time, but if you want to make a good impression on a new prospective client, make sure you sound clear. Because the last thing anyone wants is to get a call from someone who has a crackly connection, (you probably shout, too) to have you talk over them constantly because there’s a 2-second delay in your responses (and then have you say “pardon?” “pardon?” “say again?”) or not be able to hear the first word of every sentence because your microphone didn’t pick it up.

Outrageous self importance

That’s what I want to ask some of these people who walk through my front door. In my overall view that professionalism is a thing of the past, something that really baffles me is the level of self importance some of these salespeople place on themselves. I mean, is it just the younger people of the “IT’S ALL ABOUT ME” generation now entering the workforce?

Take the real estate agent who just walked in, wanting to talk to our facilities manager. He hands me a flyer “but this isn’t the property I’m representing” and wants to know who the facilities manager is. Keeping in policy of not giving out names, I assure the real estate sales man I will hand his flyer to said facilities manager.  “Okay, if he could give me a call, I’d really appreciate it.”

At this point I let him know, we aren’t looking to move, and most probably, he isn’t going to return your call as we aren’t looking for information on new properties. Now this is typically more information than I generally give, as I don’t give a crap what he walks out of here thinking and I don’t like to waste my breath.  Leave your crap and go away, I’m busy.

And honest to Pete, why the hell my manager going to call you back about something he couldn’t care less about? Because even though he has ALL the free time in the world and isn’t COMPLETELY overworked…

So said real estate sales person goes on to say he’d really like to hear from him so he can add him to a newsletter distribution list.  Now I clear my throat to hide the snicker fighting its way out of me. Yeah. My manager definitely wants that.

Are you out of your mind?